Archive for April 2017

on doubting decisions

April 6, 2017

We are making decisions every day. Life is an endless marathon making up your mind about things. Things of importance, things of daily needs, things concerning ourselves and others. Some of these we regret instantly, some only later. Honestly, I wish I could be someone with no regrets, but how many times I repeat in my head „it is done. you cannot change it. no takesies backsies“, it is hard to believe. Nothing is harder than lying to yourself and making yourself believe.

Sometimes it seems like a decision takes it all out of you. It occupies your mind and soul and time and everything seems to rotate around it making you wonder what the consequences will be and how it will affect you and others. Well, not really others most of the time, but relationships with you and others, I guess. Oh and how sweet the feeling when you then finally cast a choice and the deed is done. Like such a heavy weight taken off your shoulders. And then you get to live with your decision and you enjoy every single bit of it. There are these decisions that seem like you just had it right all along and it feels like it turned out perfectly. You bathe in the sunshine of that moment. Engraving those wonderful memories deep into your brain for later.

And then it all starts crumbling and falling and burrying you in the aftermath you had long stopped expecting. The illusion that you had it figured out shattered to tiny little pieces slowly digging into your heart. And you cannot help but marvel about your naïvety. How did you not see that coming? And as much as I do not want to miss having had the time of my life (figuratively) I wonder whether it has been a good way of making choices so far. I am one of those people that keeps turning a thought over and over, analyzing it from every possible angle. Angles most people cannot fathom exist. But most of the time I still go with my gut feeling in the end.

„Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you will be critizised anyway.“ -Eleanor Roosevelt-

I do love this quote cause it fits my way of life and making choices. I really try to live by it and not let myself be disheartened. But it keeps getting harder. Perseverance is not easy. But I am learning. I am encouraged by so many people around me and profoundly grateful for all the support. Therefore, I choose to fight. I choose to persevere. I choose to breathe. Again. And again. And again. Until I reach where I am going.