on this deceitful darkness

The process of life is a process of learning. We form ideas and opinions based on an immense variety of influential factors all around us. Family, friends, celebrities, movies, books, religion… – and the list may be filled to everyone’s individual needs and experiences. Some of them change over time, some just stick to you forever, like this pink chewing gum you step into or that tattoo that you had made when you were young and wild and free. Some of those we appreciate and honour and hold in our hearts to cheer us up or give us strength when in need. Others we try to forget, throw away or burn cause they drag us down every time. They sicker into our hearts and bodies like dark black pitch, swallowing every positive emotion, filling every inch with doubt and fear. Making us crumble on the floor.

Life has an abundance of opportunities in store for each of us, we just need to reach us and welcome them. But every one knows how hard that is. You don’t see it in the people on the streets that pass by you, turning their faces into the sun, smiling. You can’t see that this is probably the first moment of a peaceful mind in months. They have worries too. They know they have to savour this second because it has to get them through the whole week. They struggle. They doubt. They fear. They cry. But they cannot show it. Can never admit. Our society has created a very clear picture what humans are supposed to look like, act like, feel like. And no one likes to be singled out the odd one, to be branded a „loser“ in societal terms, to be shunned and shamed and laughed at. We are social beings. We need comfort and understanding and encouraging words! Not only now and then. Always.

It is hard for everyone to leave behind what happened. we either want to bathe ourselves in the comfort of what change took away from us or we keep experiences to remind us of the mistakes we made. To build up walls to protect us from experiences, the failure and the heartache. It involves an incredible amount of work to tear down those walls an let the untainted happiness light up this inscrutable darkness in your heart. It feels so indescribably heavy. Impossible.

But then again, look around. Don’t be fooled by how they are bragging about their lives, by how impressive their management of life goals seems to be coming forth, on how great their bank account looks. They still struggle. With expectations, relationships, health or life in general. They all have to cook with water. So turn your face towards the sun. Learn to savour the positive emotions and appreciate the darkness for reminding you not to lose the ground under your feet. But don’t let it hinder you on striving for more. Be patient. It is not easy to overcome. I know. I am not there yet. But I try. I cry. I fight. Life is beautiful and full of overwhelming decisions that can lead to so much more than what you planed it to be. Be brave. Be strong. Take your time. Sometimes one takes a little longer than the other, but it is not a competition. You have to be comfortable with your decisions. You are the one that will have to deal with the aftermaths, the possible regrets or awesome memories.

Keep fighting!

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2 Antworten to “on this deceitful darkness”

  1. Jutta Says:

    Liebe Maike, wir haben Dich ganz doll lieb!
    Das Leben ist ein harter Kampf, jeden Tag. Es gibt Tage, da möchte ich alles hinschmeißen, weil ich zu viel Frust empfange (aus Gesprächen) und dies mein eigenes Potential überfordert, aber am nächsten Tag, denke ich, was war das gestern ? Und ich werfe mich wieder ins Getümmel.

  2. Jutta Says:

    Ich war noch nicht fertig! Nicht alle Pläne oder Wünsche gehen im Laufe des Lebens in Erfüllung, ständig muss neu justiert werden, neu entscheiden werden, nicht jede Entscheidung ist dann die, die sich richtig anfühlt. Es folgen glückliche Tage und Tage voller Hilflosigkeit, an denen man sich mies fühlt, weil man so entschieden hat. Aber es ist aus meiner Sicht nicht wichtig, wieviel man verdient oder was man arbeitet, sondern, dass man Familie und Freunde hat, die einen mögen, weil man so ist wie man ist und sich freuen, dass es einen gibt.

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