on not knowing what you want

After finishing your studies you start applying to jobs to finally enter the real world. Leave the comfy zone that  academic life has provided for -in my case- quite a few years. But you have no experience and the job market and its opportunities feel overwhelming. How to choose what you are fit for?

Well, my strategy has been to apply to any opening that slightly fit my cultural/heritage background. And to be honest, for now I have not had the problem of choosing between all those marvelous challenges, as all I ever receive are Thanks-for-your-interest-but-we-have-opted-for-a-more-qualified-candidate-Emails. Over the past couple of months I have developed anxiety disorders. Every time my phone signals a message I am scared to check it as it could be my Email-account with yet a new message turning me down.

I have started applying to jobs that are less connected to my field of study, yet more close to the assistant positions I have held during that time. But neither I am qualified for those, I have not been fully trained in that field. Also, I am not sure if this is what I want to do full time. I loved it on the side and have appreciated it being something that I could close the door at night to and not keep working all night – like projects that had to be finished in a certain time. Easy tasks. Though tasks I loved. But if I get a job there, how easy will it be to return to the field of studies which I feel I love just equally… Also, that I put so much effort into learning! Everyone has put so much effort in supporting me to see it through. How will it be possible to not feel like an utter disappointment. The time of studies wasted?

How do I make a decision like this? One to determine so much of my life? Sure I will go to the interview and give it my best shot. Also, I am quite sure I would accept the job, too, if they actually offered it after that. Still, always knowing there are so many more applications pending, so many things I would like to do, but that are also intimidating.

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